Crystalized

I wish there was a bone
To set and protect
As it healed slowly
All on its own

I wish there was a virus
An invader to kill
Instead of this plague
Of old memories

I wish something else
Had hurt me, not him
My father, the monster
Who raped me so often

My brain crystalized
In response to pain
Locking in the fear
I needed to survive

It’s always here
Lurking in the shadows
When happiness arrives
Waiting to surge

To engulf me again
Reminding me forever
Of what could provoke him
Into raping me back then

I am a survivor of rape, incest, and child abuse. My father raped me over and over again for eight years. Because of that I have Complex-PTSD, generalized anxiety, and depression. All of that went unremembered and undiagnosed until the end of June, so I’ve been stuck in my own head and apartment for the last several months. While I do have a wonderful support system, support over the phone is just not the same as in person. It has been incredibly difficult.